The galaxy black door shimmered in the moonlight like an oasis in the desert.
I should’ve known then.
There's a subtle vanity that escapes from a mirage; the way it catches light always comes off as staged. A moment dressed for a finale. But her laugh still lingered in the air, soft and nostalgic, as I opened the door for her, and that smile was always my Achilles.
“Text me when you’re home,” I said, as restlessness settled into my spirit.
She nodded, kissed my cheek, and stepped inside. One call away. Always. Even now.
Funny how that works, it was as if in that moment I could already see it: that date along the riverwalk. Sushi in hand, her laughs soothing my ears into a trance, right before I crack through the Bliss with an idiotic chant," I think I want to love you..."
And suddenly I’m back in that forsaken underpass.
The air: thick, colder than it should be; it has a better memory than mine.
Graffiti lingers down the walls like ancient warnings, bats hang from rusted pipes: spectators. A single overhead light flickers above — no rhythm, no pattern. Just a chaotic calm, a buzz before the storm.
And that's the thing about love, it's so blinding. Nothing makes sense, the lines never connect, but my heart keeps racing, convulsing, breaking, trying to piece it together. That talk of Rose Gold bracelets and a mansion in the hills, the depriving ideology I held of needing to crawl my way to the golden heights to impress her, I was nothing more than a sacrifice. A caged beast bucking for a chance.
...
Blurred in the chaos... waters flying painting the walls with a modern message of reds, and whites, a volt like yellow splattered here a charred almost brown streak here... my eyes with their shitty vision can't make out... the imagery over and over again, the eel and avocado scrapping against her lip as the first glimmer of frustrated reassurance escapes her left eye as she exhales, "I just can't whip you into shape, huh."
Defeated
I can see it now
... I hear her under flailing breaths that Raspy Rodger Rabit tinges as she cheers. I can smell it under the enamoring smells...
It was always right there in my face.
The beautiful scenes of the treetops above, parasitic vines entangled in the canopies, so easily removed yet permitted to taint perception. Beautiful possibilities, now hostile participants to my greed
My need to deserve her, my incomparable goddess, unafraid to jump into the loving waters.
I should've jumped
But I fell...
It was all just right outside of my recollection. Their names, their faces so familiar yet so foreign, every girl a remnant of a past escapade, but from when? It was too much as my beautiful painting slowly dwindled to greys and whites. Deepening in hues until I was alone with the abyss and her grating cartoonish voice:... #4
How comforting it was to be able to escape from my cage back into the rope-bound confines of her dorm room. That one day, Hollywood didn't choose me. And just as the painting became a mute black... It clicked.
Every... remnant of my past.
I'd been too stimulated to recognize the intricacies of their touch, the intricacies of their breath, ...never forget.
...
... no pain rivals the pain of a broken facade.
And I’m still there.
Both places.
...
Because...
Even now, knowing all of it —
I still find myself balled up in a state of constant self-sabotage, aimlessly stuck in an elevator.
Waiting to answer her call.
...I wasn’t enough.
I could never be.
***Full Story coming Spring 2026